An Epiphany

I sat in the Presbyterian Church Sunday morning and sadly found myself fighting a familiar, internal battle, which before now, I’d thought related only to my private, and sometimes not so private, struggles within the boundaries of the Episcopal liturgy. Once again that morning, this time in a Presbyterian church, in my mind, I rewrote song lyrics, prayers, even scripture, to better suit my admittedly limited understanding of it all and/or my need for affirmation and consolation of my faith through the words of the liturgy.

The war in my head starts like this; first I change all male pronoun references to God to the word God. (Admittedly a waste of time, could God actually care???) Next, I personalize all prayers and creeds by using “I” instead of “we” (I want my prayers to be personal not corporate). These are the simple scuffles, some might argue (and I might agree!) the least consequential of my Sunday morning battles. The hardest skirmishes, and sadly, the most unsatisfactory, are those I find within my mind and heart while listening to song, a piece of scripture or a sermon and I rail (silently) over something presented there. For whatever reason, I'm compelled to try to make it all line up, make sense, match what I understand. Is that even possible? Is it necessary? What am I missing while I do all these mental gymnastics?

A friend once admonished me, as I was fussing (aloud for a change!) about something having to do with the words of the Liturgy, she asked; “Myra, Why is it you seemingly have no problem interpreting scripture, but can’t you give the same latitude to the words of the Liturgy?” She was right. I can easily dive into the actual words written in scripture, allowing for cultural differences, then and now, and the science unknown at the writing of those holy words and find deep meaning. Looking deeply into the overt message, I find amazing messages revealed for me today.

I have long believed the “path to righteousness” or salvation, 'Heaven" or whatever you might call a Nirvana sort of state, couldn't possibly have much to do with the name of the organization you worship within. Presbyterian, Episcopal, Mormon, Jewish, Islamic, Hindu, Native American Spirituality, whatever, they were all created by human beings, over vast periods of time, in a sometime futile (but always worthwhile) attempt at explaining and understanding these matters of God, which, in this lifetime anyway, will probably always remain somewhat unexplainable and beyond our understanding. What these differing traditions do very successfully is to draw likeminded citizens together, in community, to worship and honor and build relationship with God as best they understand. So, it seems reasonable to assume the semantics I spend so much time struggling over are, at worst, not the point(!) and I’m just stalling instead of doing the work necessary to strengthen my relationship with God, or at best, it's a feeble indicator I am working on finding my way, but consistently choosing a less than productive path to get there!

If these thoughts of mine have any validity, and given that I now realize my struggles with the words of Liturgy are not just related to the Episcopal community, then the epiphany is for me; it shouldn’t matter whether I‘m attending worship in the Presbyterian community, the Episcopal church, or any another, as long as I’m attempting understanding and relationship. If my attempts at understanding the Mind of Christ, my place in God’s Kingdom and what responsibility I have in that Kingdom, are the best I know how to offer, then maybe I should relax a little on Sunday Mornings, listen more, rail less and try harder to hear the message of the word. The hard work should begin in earnest when I leave the building! ;-)